Happy Birthday Paul

This past Tuesday was a difficult day. (And no, not because Mark Watton lost the by-election in Humber West but congrats to Mr. Granter.) It was difficult because it was my brother Paul’s birthday. I’ve posted about him on a couple of occasions, and how difficult it has been to deal with the affects of his suicide attempt almost twenty years ago. He’s in a long term facility since he needs round the clock care as he has been left disabled because of a brain injury resulting from an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I never got that phrase – unsuccessful suicide attempt. As opposed to a successful one where people actually succeed by killing themselves?

I posted that I felt extremely guilty since I hadn’t seen him as much as I should have. And, as much as I tried to rationalize why I didn’t visit, I knew it was because it was too difficult. Seeing him in a wheelchair, unable to walk and talk clearly, is a hard thing to deal with. But I mustered up my strength and went to see him.

When I walked in, he realized me right away and smiled. He was in the common room where patients gather for recreation facilities. I sat next to him and felt so awkward, I didn’t really know what to say or do at first. I’m sure some of the staff – who are exceptional by the way – were wondering who is this guy - Paul has a brother? Cue the guilt.

We sat and I gave him his gifts and his card that he struggled to read, but he read it aloud and seemed to grasp what it said. I wondered how much he could understand and if he knows how long he has been this way and how many lonely days he has sat waiting for me to come. Cue the tears.

The staff and other patients knew it was his birthday and had a cake for him. We both had a piece and while he can feed himself, he has difficulty and can make bit of a mess. I ended up feeding him his cake – not an easy emotionally experience. But I did it, and in the end was glad I did. I don’t really know how others in similar situations feel, but I find it overwhelming. That’s one of the reasons I haven’t seen him as much as I should have.

One of the patients was kind enough to give him a can of pop, which he seemed to enjoy. And he seemed quite popular among the staff and patients. Typical Paul. We sat for over an hour and I asked him if he knew how old he was. He didn’t, but he knew how old I was and even knew when is my birthday is. He knew my wife and remembered his friends and that mom and dad couldn’t come anymore because they “are in heaven”.

When it was time for him to go back to his room to get ready for supper, I came along with him. I tried to leave three or four times, each time with a hug and tried to reassure him that I would be back much more often. I hope he could understand that.

And I know I’ll be back soon. Perhaps next time I’ll bring my lunch and we can sit and eat together. While it was a difficult and very emotional day, I know most things in life aren’t easy. But it was a big first step for me on a long road to make amends and to get to know my brother again. One I’m so proud of.