An Honest Resume

Perhaps too honest. As seen on Craigslist.

OBJECTIVE:
Writer preferably, or if not a paid writing job, something that pays far more than the amount of my bills while working little to none. Included in my ever-growing list of fiscal responsibilities are rent, loans, food, and inebriation fees. The unit cost of BPH (Beers per Hour) is escalating in these hard economic times and if I had children I couldn't even afford to keep them decently buzzed. Other positions I would consider are: Food/Movie Critic, Hot Tub Tester, or Salaried Gigolo (with veto powers).

ACHIEVEMENTS:
- Has survived to 26 years of age thus far, a feat unequaled by even Pharaoh Tutankhamen
- Actually solved a Rubik's cube once without the aid of the popular "Sticker Peeling Technique"
- Has a black friend
- Read several books this year without being ordered to do so

EDUCATION:
- Potty Training under the tutelage of Mr. and Mrs. Smith
- Certified in Repelling Money and Women (self taught)
- Advanced degrees in Time Wasting and Sexual Observation from an institution known as The Internet
- Ongoing course on the worthlessness of a Bachelor's Degree taught by The World

EXPERIENCE:
Early Teen years
- Not much

High School years
- One girl, but still very little over all
- A series of humbling customer service positions
ex. Movie Theater Concessions - fun, but I do not feel that performing 2 squirts of butter vs. 3 for Mr. O. Besity meant that I had "shit for brains" as he stated.
Also, the constant aroma of popcorn seeping from every pore was not as much of a perk as I had been led to believe.

College years
- Other girls (often under the influence of alcohol)
- Various jobs of increasing responsibility (read: less fun)
ex. Cellphone Sales - interesting and lucrative, but again the public comes into play and many people suffer from a little known affliction called MobiRage.  I seriously once had a chair thrown at me. There was also always talk of a person named Quota and how I failed to meet him, but I never saw the guy.

Post-College years
- One girlfriend (I don't know either. I thought she would've left by now)
- Multiple entertaining "gigs" taken for writing research
ex. Backstage Helper at Monster Truck Rallies - wildly fascinating, but all fears of the deep south were confirmed

Current Experience
- Returning from some work and travels in Europe into not the Great Depression, but a pretty Good One
- Cold sweats when checking my bank account

REFERENCES:
- My girlfriend (who will pretend to be a former boss)
- An old colleage (who will pretend to be a former boss)
- My mom (who knows how special I am and will prepare my old bedroom for me when necessary)

•Location: The Poor House
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests